Guess what no longer looks appetizing after the noticing the "take a leek" tag? That's right. The za. It's like I'm 20 taking a really hot guy home from a bar and he stops making out to go pee on the side of the Plum Street Pub.
While watching the hit NBC show Nashville Star last night, I go to thinking- Do the contestants like pizza as much as Mr. DevizzaPizza? And, if so, what kind do they like? I used my professional Pizza Profiling skills to theorize on this a bit and I think you’ll be interested to see my findings.
Ashley Hewitt: Young Ashley loves a great homemade Boboli pie shared with her 8 brothers and sisters and loving parents. They have a family tradition on the farm of a Friday pizza night where all the kids get to pick their toppings for all the many Bobolis they need to feed them all. Afterwards, they gather out on the porch and, much like Pearl Heart, do a little family harmonizing. Unfortunately, these fun family dinners have been put on hold while Daddy is fighting terrorism in Iraq. While he’s gone they have tacos on Friday instead of pizza. Ash likes tacos better than pizza but she’s conflicted by this since that sort of means that she hopes Daddy has a stop-loss and has to stay in Iraq a few more months.
Gabe “Clearly the Winner” Garcia: GG loves good ol plain cheese. Not just any though- it has to be from Tony’s Two-Step Toppings and More down on Highway 11, right next to the rodeo. As a fan of the San Anton rodeo circuit, Gabe and his twin sister/ex-girlfriend spent many Saturday nights at Tony’s sharing a large cheese pie and a half order of Tony’s extra-crunchy Texas toast breadsticks. They often almost missed the rodeo as Gabe got caught up flirtin with his girl and “turning his Texas on”, as John Rich would say. Nowadays, Gabe just orders out from Tony’s as the memories of these pizza-filled good times are just too upsetting in the months since his split with his sister/girl due to his nearly completed quest to be country’s next great star. The feelings are just too raw still- much like the garlic on Tony’s world-famous breadsticks!
Shawn Mayer: Shawn’s shied away from pizza in the past after some unfortunate dates to local pizza parlors with various hayseeds she met while working on the pig farm and at the auto garage. Recently though she went on a date with a pretty nice guy who took her to a California Pizza Kitchen 3 towns over. She had the Tequila Lime Personal Pizza and thought it was pretty good, but could’ve done without the red onions- she was on a date!
Coffey: In the 6th grade, we studied the Renaissance for the entire year and then had to put on a Renaissance Faire for family and friends. For this boring hard work, we were promised to be rewarded with a pizza party. After a pretty amazing Faire, we gathered for our well-deserved pizza. We were handed stale English muffins smeared with cream cheese and topped with shredded carrots. When we asked “uh WTF?” we were told it was Renaissance Pizza. Even at 12, we knew that that wasn’t pizza. It was bullshit pizza. Coffey eats Renaissance Pizza.
Melissa Lawson: Having recently lost 150lbs (and still going strong! Go girl!), Melissa tries to limit her pizza intake. She’ll guiltily admit to stealing a bite or 2 of the Bagel Bites she makes as after school snacks for the boys (she buys the whole wheat version now!), but that’s about it. Except when she REALLY deserves it- like when she brings the house down! The Mel will indulge in a half slice of her favorite- The Works with extra spicy sausage, extra cheese and extra sauce. If she had her way, she’d kick back and eat it with the hubs while watching her Tivo’d Martina McBride Biography on A&E.
Laura and Sophie: Well, pizza may have well have been the breaking point for these two. Invited back to Jeffery Steele’s place for a consolation pizza dinner after the devastating defeat last night, there was…an incident. Having ordered a half black olive (Sophie) and half pepperoni (Laura), the girls got into a bit of a tiff after Laura questioned if the pie looked more like ¾ black olive and only ¼ pepperoni. One thing led to another and soon enough Laura told Sophie that while Sophie may have thought she was the best singer of The Little Angels, she was only 3rd best and EVERYONE knew it. Sophie countered that Laura’s little eye roll last week had cost them everything! While these two may patch things up (hey, they’ve done it before!), it’s safe to say that their future favorite pizza will be a safe extra cheese, light sauce Sicilian.
Billy Ray: Billy loves a Chicago deep dish pie and will take just about any topping!
Katie Price: Katie Price does not eat pizza.
Jewel: Jewel loves a good crisp crust topped with lightly dressed organic mixed baby greens. And if it’s been a good week and she’s really eased the sorrows of her heart with some serious song writing, she might get a little avocado diced on top, too!
John Rich: John loves Jamaican jerk chicken pizza- extra heavy on the jerk. Like, super extra heavy. Because he’s a jerk.
Jeffery Steele: Jeff tells everyone he really loves the pizza his wife makes on the pizza stone with fresh whole wheat pizza dough she picks up at the Nashville Trader Joe’s, but he still yearns for the deep dish chicken fried steak pizza that his mamma used to make.
If you’d like to read more about Pizza Profiling, be sure to check out the August issue of Modern Jackass. I’ve co-written an article with Dr. Margarita Bolognese, who you may recognize as dean of the Sicilian branch of Pizza Hut University.
4 comments:
Guess what no longer looks appetizing after the noticing the "take a leek" tag? That's right. The za. It's like I'm 20 taking a really hot guy home from a bar and he stops making out to go pee on the side of the Plum Street Pub.
Quesadilla, Mr. DevizzaPizza!
While watching the hit NBC show Nashville Star last night, I go to thinking- Do the contestants like pizza as much as Mr. DevizzaPizza? And, if so, what kind do they like? I used my professional Pizza Profiling skills to theorize on this a bit and I think you’ll be interested to see my findings.
Ashley Hewitt: Young Ashley loves a great homemade Boboli pie shared with her 8 brothers and sisters and loving parents. They have a family tradition on the farm of a Friday pizza night where all the kids get to pick their toppings for all the many Bobolis they need to feed them all. Afterwards, they gather out on the porch and, much like Pearl Heart, do a little family harmonizing. Unfortunately, these fun family dinners have been put on hold while Daddy is fighting terrorism in Iraq. While he’s gone they have tacos on Friday instead of pizza. Ash likes tacos better than pizza but she’s conflicted by this since that sort of means that she hopes Daddy has a stop-loss and has to stay in Iraq a few more months.
Gabe “Clearly the Winner” Garcia: GG loves good ol plain cheese. Not just any though- it has to be from Tony’s Two-Step Toppings and More down on Highway 11, right next to the rodeo. As a fan of the San Anton rodeo circuit, Gabe and his twin sister/ex-girlfriend spent many Saturday nights at Tony’s sharing a large cheese pie and a half order of Tony’s extra-crunchy Texas toast breadsticks. They often almost missed the rodeo as Gabe got caught up flirtin with his girl and “turning his Texas on”, as John Rich would say. Nowadays, Gabe just orders out from Tony’s as the memories of these pizza-filled good times are just too upsetting in the months since his split with his sister/girl due to his nearly completed quest to be country’s next great star. The feelings are just too raw still- much like the garlic on Tony’s world-famous breadsticks!
Shawn Mayer: Shawn’s shied away from pizza in the past after some unfortunate dates to local pizza parlors with various hayseeds she met while working on the pig farm and at the auto garage. Recently though she went on a date with a pretty nice guy who took her to a California Pizza Kitchen 3 towns over. She had the Tequila Lime Personal Pizza and thought it was pretty good, but could’ve done without the red onions- she was on a date!
Coffey: In the 6th grade, we studied the Renaissance for the entire year and then had to put on a Renaissance Faire for family and friends. For this boring hard work, we were promised to be rewarded with a pizza party. After a pretty amazing Faire, we gathered for our well-deserved pizza. We were handed stale English muffins smeared with cream cheese and topped with shredded carrots. When we asked “uh WTF?” we were told it was Renaissance Pizza. Even at 12, we knew that that wasn’t pizza. It was bullshit pizza. Coffey eats Renaissance Pizza.
Melissa Lawson: Having recently lost 150lbs (and still going strong! Go girl!), Melissa tries to limit her pizza intake. She’ll guiltily admit to stealing a bite or 2 of the Bagel Bites she makes as after school snacks for the boys (she buys the whole wheat version now!), but that’s about it. Except when she REALLY deserves it- like when she brings the house down! The Mel will indulge in a half slice of her favorite- The Works with extra spicy sausage, extra cheese and extra sauce. If she had her way, she’d kick back and eat it with the hubs while watching her Tivo’d Martina McBride Biography on A&E.
Laura and Sophie: Well, pizza may have well have been the breaking point for these two. Invited back to Jeffery Steele’s place for a consolation pizza dinner after the devastating defeat last night, there was…an incident. Having ordered a half black olive (Sophie) and half pepperoni (Laura), the girls got into a bit of a tiff after Laura questioned if the pie looked more like ¾ black olive and only ¼ pepperoni. One thing led to another and soon enough Laura told Sophie that while Sophie may have thought she was the best singer of The Little Angels, she was only 3rd best and EVERYONE knew it. Sophie countered that Laura’s little eye roll last week had cost them everything! While these two may patch things up (hey, they’ve done it before!), it’s safe to say that their future favorite pizza will be a safe extra cheese, light sauce Sicilian.
Billy Ray: Billy loves a Chicago deep dish pie and will take just about any topping!
Katie Price: Katie Price does not eat pizza.
Jewel: Jewel loves a good crisp crust topped with lightly dressed organic mixed baby greens. And if it’s been a good week and she’s really eased the sorrows of her heart with some serious song writing, she might get a little avocado diced on top, too!
John Rich: John loves Jamaican jerk chicken pizza- extra heavy on the jerk. Like, super extra heavy. Because he’s a jerk.
Jeffery Steele: Jeff tells everyone he really loves the pizza his wife makes on the pizza stone with fresh whole wheat pizza dough she picks up at the Nashville Trader Joe’s, but he still yearns for the deep dish chicken fried steak pizza that his mamma used to make.
If you’d like to read more about Pizza Profiling, be sure to check out the August issue of Modern Jackass. I’ve co-written an article with Dr. Margarita Bolognese, who you may recognize as dean of the Sicilian branch of Pizza Hut University.
Well alright....
Whoooooooooo!
Thanks, Kate...
That was FAN-tastic!
Whooooooooooo
(also, for the best in artfully curated vintage fashion, visit http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5937551!)
Your site inspired me and my ladyfriend to get delivery pie last night. PIZZA FOR LUNCH!
Thanks for making my life better.
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